1 February 2016


Honestly do you miss him? Yes, I do. 

Truth is... It's been almost 4 months since we ended things off, and I hope you're still doing fine with her. Truth is, I still miss you and I really miss you terribly. I just want you to know that I miss us. I really hope you're doing fine despite all the pain you've caused. It wasn't an easy thing not to tear after typing this whole chunk of blog post, but I hope you know that I no longer fill myself with anger and hatred for you and her. I really wish I could have the courage to look at you the same way and send you a text again but no. 

I still hope you read this post. I've been trying to hold back on the things I wanna send to you but look, I don't wanna be mean like her. There are a lot of things I wish you can open your eyes to see it for yourself, I wish you knew the truth, I wish you knew everything. I wish you knew how much I've suffered in silence for what she have done. I wish you knew how many struggles I've been through, but you don't and you chose to believe and go back to someone once broke you. I hope one day you'll realize everything, even the truth. I'm not going to push anyone away anymore because of you, I'm not going to wait for you anymore. I don't wanna hurt anyone just like how you did to me. I will be firm with my choices this time round. 

Here's a perfect quote for you
"She’s just looking for you to understand...For you to take the time to listen to her and be open to seeing things from her perspective... but you didn't choose to listen to her and neglect her feelings"

Till now, I still couldn't accept how things ended so fast and I must say that the hole in my heart is so deep, so deep that I'm too numb to accept someone new in my life that I guess I've hurt him. It's been good 4 months from all the drama, and I wish I was strong enough to text you now and tell you how much I miss us. Even by typing this, I'm trembling. I wish I could run up to you and hug you for one last time and I wish the day never ends.

I wish you knew how much I really love you, how much I really care for you. I wasn't even joking when I told you I will work hard for us back then. But you took me like a joke, you took me as a tool to pissed her off to come back to you, isn't it? I no longer want to be someone's substitute, I'm tired of trying to be good enough for you, keeping you happy and waited for you to be back home from work before I could sleep and many more. I came across something on the net. I wish you feel me, for once and think.

"You gave him everything you had: your time, your love, your everything. In return, he played the role of a good man until his price went up and he wanted more from you. So, you gave him more. But that still wasn’t enough, was it? Because when it’s the wrong man, nothing you do will ever be enough. He’s a parasite. He will continue to suck the life out of you until you are completely drained of all your money, all your confidence, all your self-esteem, and then he’ll leave you. You have the power to stop him. It’s often a hard decision to leave a man you think you love, but in the end, it may not be that you actually love him. It may be that you love the man he “used to be” or the idea of the man he “could be.” Either way, that’s not the man he is." -Mr. Amari Soul

Yes, truth is.. it was so hard to leave the memories behind because I know my heart still have you. But, I know that I will never go back what broke me again and just want you to know that I miss the old us. I hope you're doing fine, and I hope you know there's a reason why I removed you off from my social media platforms. I find myself looking through your profile all over again, missing you like crazy in the midnight, tearing like crazy all over again. Today, I promised my friends and him that I'm not going to look back anymore and move on with someone that's gonna do a better job than you do.

All the mean things you said to cut me off, I still don't hate you for that. And today, I heard the truth from my best friend. I just hope you learn how to be a better man and don't hurt anyone the same way ever again. Back then, I found my answer in your hesitation. I knew that was the moment I should walk away, I did, but you hold me back and you decided to let me go and down at the same time. That's when my world completely falls apart, my world spiral down so deep and it was so hurtful that I gave you such chance to break my heart terribly. The worse thing you ever have done is allow "your girl" to have such chance to hurt me with you or without you knowing. This is why I wish you knew the truth. It was my fault thinking you were different from the rest and trusting you was my biggest mistake. I hope you remember this moment and all the things I've been trying to do for you. I hope you remember.

I finally learned something new.
"Just because he earned your trust today, doesn’t mean he is incapable of violating your trust tomorrow."

I still wish that last kiss didn't end, it takes a lot of courage for me to say this but, really B, I love you so much. You hold so much space in my heart. If one day, the world turns their back on you, I hope you know that there's me. I'm always here, always. I miss you so much. I hope you remember how the way I look at you and telling how much I love you.

At the end of the day... 
“The wrong man may break your heart, but he can never break you... he doesn’t have that power. The only person who can break you is you...when you stop loving yourself. No matter how great the pain… no matter how heavy the rain, as long as you don’t stop loving yourself in the process…you’ll be okay.” - Mr. Amari Soul
“Sometimes, him being the wrong man isn’t the real problem. The real problem is you decide to give him a chance, knowing he’s the wrong man, thinking you can change him. Never go into a relationship thinking you can change a man that has already shown you his true intentions are not what you want. In the end, he won’t change and you’ll end up frustrated, heartbroken, and alone wish you had done things differently." -Mr. Amari Soul

And to my old friend - I used to work with, there's a reason why I distance myself away from you because of her and I'm glad that I've found someone new to work with. I don't have the energy and such mindset to compete with her.  I've lost you and him because of her. But, I hope you know that I still hold you close in my heart. 

I'm going to pursue my own happiness and continue to chase my dreams, I'm not going to get hold back by the past.  Till then, fate brings us again, if it's meant to be, it will be. x

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