24 November 2015

Things will get better...

Life hasn't been really smooth for me, but I promise to get back on track soon. I appreciate everyone for your wishes on my birthday which just happened a week ago! Thank you, I couldn't reply them all, but I really appreciate the good wishes!

And thank you to the friends who stood by me through the worse times ever... I've been trying to stay positive and strong for the past few weeks. A lot of things happened and I really don't think I can ever look at love the same way ever again. Lots of things happened in my life lately and I am trying my best to take it as a life lesson, be it the good or bad. I still learned.

I promise you that I will get up and be stronger than ever. I just wanna continue to pursue other things and be better than who I was yesterday. I'm thankful to have wonderful people to keep me grounded, always. You know who you are. Thank you, for sticking around x.

Since it's over, I no longer want to brood over it anymore after this post. It's time for me to move on with life and get whatever things that need to be done asap. It feels like my world is collapsing for the past few weeks, it feels horrible and miserable. I hate this feeling, and I wanna get rid of it so bad. I wish I was strong enough, I wish I have ended things earlier, but I made a wrong choice to give a second chance for both of us and let things fall deeper. If there's one thing I've learned from my parents since young... It will be. To be forgiving even to the people that hurt you because that's how you'll find inner peace. Thank them in every way they broke you, that's how you'll cherish the better things in life and never take little things for granted. I finally understood this and decided to move on after this heartfelt post.

Dear you, 

I'm sorry if I wasn't good enough for you, I wish I was... then probably you wouldn't have to do all that. I'm sorry for entering your life, it was a wrong move. I wish I didn't talk to you. I wish I could have mind my own life and I wouldn't get hurt by then. I don't hate you, I don't hate her. All I ever want is you to be genuinely happy with your life be it without me or not, I've told you zillion times through text, through face to face. I wish those happy times could last longer, but to think back. It was too painful to hold on either, everything feels one-sided and I've never like the feeling of loving someone and knowing that it will be gone sooner or later.

I still appreciate those times we spent together, our first movie and meal together. I appreciate all the time I was with you. Truth is, I still care about you. Whenever people asked me about you, I told them "No, I don't miss you at all." But I know that my heart is lying, it hurts. Of course, it is gonna hurt so badly deep down. I tried all ways to keep myself not to break down, but at the end of the day when I'm on my bed. I can't help but to think what you've been doing, have you eaten, are you busy, did you overwork, are you happy? Maybe, it is better without me, maybe it is better with her. But I guess it's just a matter time where I will stop and finally move on with someone new and someone who will appreciate all the little things I've done.

I wanna thank you for making me stronger now, I wanna thank you for giving up on me at the end of the day, I wanna thank you for pointing out my flaws, my insecurities, I wanna thank you for "loving" me during that period of time, I wanna thank you for not being firm with your choices at the end of the day, I wanna thank you for breaking me like it's nothing the very next day, I wanna thank you for not appreciating all my effort, I wanna thank you for hurting with your harsh words without listening to my side of story, I wanna thank you for "choosing" me back then, I wanna thank you for all your white lies and well sugar coated words, I wanna thank you for teaching me about life.. the hard way, I wanna thank you for breaking my trust I had for you all these while, I wanna thank you for the constant reassurance during that period of time, I wanna thank you for breaking my heart just like that and right before my birthday week, I wanna thank you for changing my old self,  I wanna thank you for waking me up that I deserve someone better now.

I learned and we learned the hard way. There's so much more for me to list on though the period was short and I finally realized that there's no point for me to prove my own worth to make you stay. They say, "If he really loves you from the start, he if really let go of her. He wouldn't have gone back what broke him" Till now, I still don't hate you for doing this. I was ready to fight for us during that period of time when you told me to give you time and second chance.. then I finally realized I was all alone, kept in the dark.

I still have some fond memories of you, the little things you did that makes me smile. I wish you're happy with your life now, I wish you're deeply in love with her, I no longer feel bitter, I no longer find the need to hate you for breaking my heart. I finally learned, and I'm thankful that this make me even stronger and mending my own heart is the very next step in my life. It may take so much heartbreak and miserable to get there, but slowly and surely. It's my choice for allowing you to hurt me. I've stopped blaming myself for being foolish and stupid, I thought you really love me, I thought you really miss me, I thought you really care about me. I accept the harsh truth that we will never be together. I may have done certain things which make you hate me for that now. I don't blame you, but I hope you'll remember the day we first met, the little things I did to keep you warm, the hours of waiting for you to get up and many more. Which I believe you wouldn't give a single flying fuck about it. I finally realized that I was not your priority all these while, I was so stupid to take out my time for you and making sure that you'll be happy with me. You said you are, but I know it was a lie at the end of the day. I hope you remember that I've tried all ways to keep you happy while you're out with me. But you probably failed to sense it...

Till now, I still chose not to delete the convo where everything was fine. I still smile a little inside on the words you said, the constant reassurance you've been giving, the morning greetings and many more. But I know, it's time to do it now. It's time for me to put down everything and prep for the future. Yes, I'm still young. I know. I've bottled these horrible feelings for quite a while now, and a lot of  things I wish I could have told you face to face. And truth is, it's hard for me to get over what you've promised all these while and what really happened. It was too quick, too quick and too painful for me to handle the truth. 

I hope one day you'll realize that you broke someone's heart without getting firm with your choices, I hope one day you'll realize that there are actually someone who genuinely care for you but you failed to see it, I hope one day you'll realize that my love for you was once so strong and genuine, I hope one day you realize that whatever I've done, it was for you and no one else, I hope one day you'll never regret the choices you've made, I hope one day you'll think about me randomly, I hope one day you'll realize that you've broken the trust on someone who once treated you with all her heart, I hope one day you'll realize everything and I hope you'll never do this to the next.

Despite from all of that, I still don't hate you for doing this, I still wish you all the best and succeed in everything you do. I hope you don't overwork yourself anymore, I wish you well and I hope you'll continue to do the things you love, be it with yourself or her. I wish both of you will be happy and always stay truthful, take care.

And for those who are struggling with the same issues with me, I just want to tell you to stay strong in whatever you're doing. Life's goes on, you deserve so much more. So chin up, beautiful/handsome! X 

It's time to move on, life will get better hopefully... 

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