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20 January 2014

Rants

Well... I realize that I haven't been blogging about a week I guess? I need a break... a lot of things happened recently in a short period of time and I couldn't accept it and in addition I have too much to handle that eventually I got emotions breakdown lately, it has came to the point where I couldn't take it anymore which I need to concede. Many of you asked what exactly befell me, I'm unsure of what I'm really doing lately, my mind is running wild and I didn't have a good sleep for days. I have received lovely messages that makes my day, I like it. Yet I was never truly okay still, my life is in a messed all of a sudden, what disappoint me the most was my Economics grades. I flunked it with a very very small mistakes I have made, I could have get good grades but sadly that little mistakes screwed my whole percentage rate. It's something truly hard for me to accept it or even to forgive myself, no its not that I never invested time to study. I did study, I have been doing my best for all my exams and I always got the grades I aim for. So I got one of my module result the day before yesterday which I couldn't accept it and I even have a short conversation with my lecturer and he let me know what exactly happened, its really a small tiny weeny mistakes I made in my exams that I could have avert it. It was dumb, and extremely moronic. I can't forgive myself now, however I need to accept it and just retake the damn supp paper. But it's such a pity, and sad I really can't accept the truth that my hardwork in the assignments are down the drain. It was a waste, really. My friends are shocked too, how can I failed the paper all the while my studies wasn't an issue and it's staying constant? 

Genuinely, been into private school. I find myself getting more independent, I don't depend excessively on others. I'm a full time student now and I'm taking marketing management course for my diploma. I only have 3hours of lessons every day, that is it. To be able to walk out of the classroom door and understand any things that the lecturer had taught actually is based on how serious we place our attention in class. At the end, I can only depend on myself. The grades are depend upon the amount of effort I put into my studies. 

I wouldn't say my life in diploma is quite terrible. But I'm never truly happy been into this class. Never, I'm in the same class with the guy that cheated on my back which it takes me WHOLE LOT of courages to put all my attention in studies and not thinking about what he has done and not feeling any guilt. I do met nice and sincere friends. At the same time there wasn't much you can truly trust and confide to which I need to concede, yet something I need to admit about. I have never enjoy been into this class, but I don't have a choice. Why? Basically, we are all not united, we are all in our own particular group, we have a tendency to bear grudges on each other and we're all narrow minded and selfish when it comes to sharing notes last of all we're all almost just being "fake" towards one another. It is not very obvious but it's something you can feel it. Which a couple of my friends agreed too. But that is aside of it, it didn't bother me anyway.

And to the ones who have asked about it, well here it is.. I met an angel recently. G. We both liked each other but sadly we couldn't really work out, no we didn't quarrel, or have conflicts or so. But our feelings are all over the place and we are not even ready to begin a date/relationship. I told him that it's better for me to leave and yes I lost him, I lost an angel which I never thought he might be the same as the ones I met. He is a decent gentleman, really very deary to me yet it was such a huge let down afterall which I never knew it came so soon. On the other hand, I advised myself that not to trust anyone who says they won't hurt you and eventually they did at the end of the day. It's like you're getting the bullets and load it up for them, at the end of the day they shot you in the heart and brush it off with a sincere apology but the ache in the heart who truly can bear for you? 

I'm not saying my life sucks now, I cherish my life, I'm appreciative for the material things I own, a perfect family who is there for me despite the fact that at times their words could be extremely discouraging to me. I still love them. I'm the youngest at home and my sibling is a grown up adult which my folks don't need to worry about them as much as they worry about me. Well, so let's taking everything into an account. Things happened excessively fast at the beginning of the year that I couldn't take any more blow. To start with, my health failed on me on the first day of Jan, second I lost somebody who I never thought it came so soon directly after I recovered, third my economics grades is something I can't forgive myself with the stupid small mistakes I have made and I can feel fake friends around the corner. I have a bunch of close friends in school, and one of them told me that "as long as you're getting well-known to certain people in school, you'll normally attracts in fake friends and that is normal. You can back off from them and that is not being arrogant, its about having the courage to walk away the ones who attempted to cut you down covertly" I have never agree to this terms of saying however I can begin feeling about it but keeping it calm and normal. By the way I'm really appreciative I have the closest ones being with me in school, they're genuine I must say. They're the ones that I look forward to when I head off to class. I thought 2013 is enough for me to handle all the shit blows however things came excessively soon that I couldn't deal with it alone. I need a guardian angel, a guiding light and I'm truly grateful to have my Bestfriend to stay with me. I promised you all that I will be alright soon. I need some time to settle myself down, and be alright soon. I'm happy throughout this period I have decent friends/classmates who solaces me, who carries all the positive comments into my negatives mind and readers bother to drop me a really sweet emails to bring a smile to my face. You all are really sweet, and important in my life, I will never want to lose. I will be back blogging, more tutorial as I promised you all and I have advert waiting for me to finish it and I'm really grateful for blogshop owner able to understand the current emotions breakdown I'm having with school. Don't worry, I won't give up. I have came this far, left 3 more months to graduation. Endure is the key word and I'm sorry to anyone I didn't reply or even bother talking to you. I just don't feel like talking hence this blog entry will show my appreciation to the ones that care for me lately. 

Thank you "J.K" for the late night talk and trying to make me feel okay, probably you have heard how horrible I sound after crying, but I can't help myself and can't control such feelings and I know you've been trying your very best to convinced that everything gonna be back in place soon.. Well "I lost myself conpletely, I'm so tired of everything, tired of not being good enough" 
And thank you Edwin for the law of attractions book, I will pursue my dreams and keeping all the good vibes in me. Till then, I will be back with tutorials, beauty review and advertorial, new banners on the side of my blog. Stay tune! 

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